Raising children in today’s world is not easy and gets seemingly more difficult every day.
So, “What makes a good parent?”
With all of our societal efforts to empower children, we have, in some cases, empowered more negative behavior than positive. Kids are fed a steady diet of praise for standing up to authority, breaking rules, being disrespectful and for being anything other than old -fashioned or traditional. Here at The Ranches, we often deal with the end result of all of the unearned empowerment that kids seem to be receiving and we have to go about the difficult process of
deconstructing their unearned empowerment and reconstruct their self-esteem based on empowering them for what they accomplish. This is no small task and tends to keep us very busy. So, what makes a good parent?
I often get asked this question and it is not easily answered, but want to give a few tips based on some successful parents that I have known:
1. Successful parents tend to structure their children’s lives around a consistent and predictable schedule. Waking up, having breakfast, doing chores, napping and bed times are all components of
structure that are important to children. This starts when they are very young and should continue, with
modification for maturity and good decision making, until they are ready to take the profoundly mature step of getting their own place to live. Even 18 year olds need a bed time.
2. Most parents tend to make a list of what they won’t do to their kids. “I’m not going to yell at my kids” or “I’m not going to be nosy when my kids are in high school” are typical statements of young parents and tend to, in the absence of a parenting to-do list, define how a child ends up getting
parented. I recommend starting with a to-do list and allowing the “won’t do” list to form itself based on the individual child. Boundary pushing children require nosier parents and under motivated kids may require a stern, slightly elevated voice from time to time. It is unfair to decide what they need or don’t need from a parent before the parent even meets and gets to know them.
3. Successful parents tend to utilize hinting, temporary short-term disengagement, directives and
consequences as tools to guide their children. Sometimes a hint about a chore left undone is all that is required to get things headed in a positive direction and sometimes blunt and unwavering directives
combined with well communicated consequences are the best way to get the desired outcomes. Successful parents don’t tend to limit themselves in the positive and progress oriented ways that they will engage their children. They do tend to limit themselves in the negative or unproductive ways in which they will engage their children. In short, successful parents figure out what works best and keep doing it.
4. Successful parents tend to have the self-discipline and self-control to hold back the urge to “engage the rage” when their children invariably throw tantrums. Starting from the “terrible twos” and continuing on to those lovely teenage years when children think they have surpassed all living adults in wisdom, intelligence and awesomeness, it is important to remain rational and to only say things that you mean during these difficult conversations. “I don’t want to!” and “You don’t understand!” can quickly escalate to “I hate you!” and “You don’t love me!” if parents don’t define the boundaries during tantrums. “I’m sorry you feel that way. I love you and we will talk about this when you’ve had a chance to calm down” is a way to de-escalate the situation and humanize the child at the same time. This is especially helpful for step-parents who get the de-escalate “You’re not my real mom/dad!” outburst.
5. Successful parents tend to engage with their children regularly and in meaningful ways. As simple as it sounds, talking to children about their thoughts, feelings, perceptions and frustrations is the best way to build trust and ensure that the relationship between parent and child stays valid and valuable for both parties.
6. Successful parents tend to allow their children to make decisions starting at a very early age. The important part of this dynamic is that parents must teach young children to make decisions where there are three or less options. “Do you want rice, potatoes or mac and cheese with dinner?” is a question that teaches decision making without overwhelming a young mind and is far easier to deal with than, “What do you want for dinner?”
7. Successful parents tend to convey to their children, nonverbally, that they like them and that they enjoy spending time with them. It is never too early to convince a child that they are valuable to you and that you enjoy them.
8. Successful parents tend to utilize open-ended questions when engaging their children, especially with teens. “How was your day?” often results in, “Fine…or it was okay.” Ask a question like, “What was the best and worst part of your day? ” or “What was your favorite and least favorite class today, and why?” Open ended questions invite sharing, closed-ended questions tend to limit it. No matter how you ask, be ready to stop, make eye contact, and honestly listen to what is and isn’t being said.
9. Successful parents tend to utilize time to their advantage. One way to do this is to engage children during car rides. I realize that we live in an age where everything seems to be delivered on a little screen that we carry in our pockets, but a car has some massive screens. They are called windows and children can learn a lot by having conversations about what they see right in front of them. As children get older, the precedent that has been set by using car time as engagement time can continue.
10. Successful parents tend to push their children gently to get outside of their comfort zone. While the best way to do this will always be by example, parents can push children to do important tasks that are slightly uncomfortable. Ordering for themselves at a restaurant is a good place to start and can lead to ordering
takeout over the phone. Building capable people is the goal and there is no better way to start that process than give kids the opportunity to be capable of accomplishing a task that they see as a “grown-up” task.
While not an exhaustive list, these are my tips for successful parenting and should be combined with having fun with children. From outings to vacations to watching TV shows, having fun with children is incredibly important and makes the rough times much more temporary in the mind of the child.
Please feel free to share yours with me at heathk@theranches.org.
By Heath Kull | theranches.org
