Not letting the sun go down on our anger…
One of the hardest lessons to learn is to develop the skill of living in relative peace with someone who has acted a fool, treated us like a doormat and acted as if they are entitled to the chaos that they have created. When this happens, our natural tendency is to hold a grudge and recalibrate our relationship towards being emotionally guarded towards the chaotic one. This typically allows the chaotic one the opportunity to play victim to our hurt and…once again act a fool and treat us like a doormat.
Now for the important part…
This is where not letting the sun go down on our anger becomes important. Now, not letting the sun go down on our anger is not a call to let go of the entire situation as many would have you believe. We must hold onto boundaries and communication. Without anger, we can explain the need for a transactional stance with chaotic kids. “We’re starting over today. I have no plan to repeat yesterday though. Today, my expectation is __” sometimes becomes a needed daily routine. Whether it’s kids who repeatedly try to kill our washing machines with too much laundry or kids who have such a negative internal narrative that they crave arguments so that they have a chance to interrupt that negative narrative and “accidentally” get honest within the fight. Our anger – if continued on subsequent days – often serves as a perpetrator for others to play victim to; thus perpetuating the cycle of self-victimization.
The follow-through…
I’m not a fan of forgiving and forgetting when it comes to intentionally hurtful behavior, but I am a proponent of resetting and rationally setting boundaries. Sometimes on a daily basis if needed. So please allow the sun to set on your desire to alter the relationship in a positive direction but attack the problem each day free of yesterday’s anger. And, for the love of God, stop with the “anger is bad” narrative. Anger is simply the language of unmet needs.
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