Accountability – The Ranches is a place for kids to get a fresh start and to develop new tools and learn new ways of navigating life. In most cases, kids come to The Ranches with inadequate and unhealthy ways of dealing with relationships and with conflict. Initially, we start the process of orienting kids to their new living environment.
While we’ve all had to navigate these situations in our lives, for young people this can be fairly traumatic. Everything is new. It is in this first phase that we begin to see how kids naturally operate. How they handle peers. Is change difficult. How they deal with and view authority and, in many cases, how they see themselves. When kids first arrive at The Ranches, we see them at their most raw and their most vulnerable…and often scared of what is to come.
As kids adjust, we start to introduce accountability and help them to see how it effects their daily lives. In many cases they have experienced inconsistent, unpredictable and sometimes violent accountability. For most of the kids, this creates a hesitation to accountability.
Definition of accountability:
The quality or state of being accountable – especially: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions.
As you can probably imagine, most kids – really most people – struggle with accountability…especially when it comes from perceived strangers. Along with accountability usually comes conflict, stress and a plethora of negative behaviors. For the staff of The Ranches, this is often uncomfortable and difficult to emotionally process. Why does this child that I don’t really know seem to hate me and everything that I try to communicate with them? Well, this is the work that we do.
To understand the struggle with -accountability, it helps to know what kinds of behaviors that we deal with in kids when we attempt to introduce consistent, caring, committed accountability. In working with the kids at The Ranches, our goal for accountability is for them to achieve competence and competence requires accountability. Their resistance to competence and accountability usually comes in several forms.
Transfer of Blame
Kids often seek to transfer blame to others. In transfer of blame situations, we see the blame become the most relevant part of accountability to the child. “It wasn’t my fault! My roommate did it!” or “You’re not my parent!” are typical utterances at The Ranches. While one is true and one may indeed be true, these statements serve the child by transferring the all-important blame for the transgression onto someone else. “It isn’t my fault,” therefore you can’t, or shouldn’t, hold ME accountable.
“I need (vs. want) this!”
We work tirelessly to meet the needs of the kids at The Ranches. It is part of our mission. Because of our deliberate choice in meeting the needs of our residents, the kids often attempt to turn their wants in to needs in an effort to force us, through guilt, to give in to their wants. Turning accountability into an accusation of not meeting their needs is a powerful strategy. “I lied because I didn’t feel safe enough to tell the truth” is just one example of this behavior. Safety is a basic need and reshaping situations to be a need unmet is typical and, at times, prolific. “How can you hold me accountable for how I attempt to get my needs met?”
“Just kidding”
In many cases, accountability is applied to kids for the hurtful things said to others. While it is rarely effective, it is a “go to” for many kids. The idea is that, if they didn’t mean anything negative and were simply making a joke, they shouldn’t be held accountable for someone else taking offense to their statement.
“That other kid is worse than me!”
Pointing the finger at someone else is a longstanding strategy in crime and in politics. Unfortunately, the kids of today have grown up watching this strategy play out on the evening news and on near every crime-based television show. As long as someone else’s behavior is worse, mine isn’t that bad…in comparison, right?
“I didn’t have time!”
We usually hear this in reference to chores or school responsibilities. In reality, we schedule our days so that there is plenty of time to handle responsibilities, but kids rarely say, “I didn’t manage my time well” in reference to incomplete tasks.
“You are mean, and YOU hurt my feelings!”
This is often uttered when attempts at accountability have escalated due to our initial attempts falling upon deaf ears. When we attempt to hold a child accountable and those attempts go ignored, an escalation is needed. Unfortunately, a good old-fashioned victim statement is often uttered as a response to this escalation. Most kids – really most people – view ignoring another person or an authority figure as a passive act. Conversely, addressing the disrespectful nature of ignoring a request is often seen as aggressive and, if allowed, mean. If I only had a dollar for every time that someone at The Ranches accused me of being mean for holding them accountable for their actions, I could fund The Ranches for years to come.
“You Don’t Understand”
This is often meant to communicate to an someone that their expectation is unrealistic. In reality, it is often true as well. I don’t understand the feelings and hurt that others have experienced. I can acknowledge my lack of understanding without forfeiting my responsibility for accountability. “You’re right. I don’t understand. Please explain it to me” is the best response to “You don’t understand.”
Learning To Ignore Accountability
The kids that come to The Ranches are far from being “bad kids.” In most cases though, they have learned to ignore and escape accountability with the authority in their lives, using one of these strategies. From parents to teachers to school administrators to law enforcement, escaping accountability is the root of being “at-risk.”
As a result, this is where our work often begins. No matter how much mistreatment someone has received, there is no healthy or logical escape from being accountable. When kids leave us, they will have bosses, spouses and friends that will attempt to hold them accountable. Losses of jobs and relationships are the most common symptoms of an aversion to accountability. We hope while they are with us, we can teach, mentor and disciple kids in such a way that we can limit their losses as they pursue a life on their own. To do this, we try to establish a better view of accountability by following a few principles and steps toward success.
From parents to teachers to school administrators to law enforcement, escaping accountability is the root of being “at-risk.” As a result, this is where our work often begins. No matter how much dysfunction, abuse, neglect or mistreatment someone has received, there is no healthy or logical escape from being accountable in life. When kids leave us, they will have bosses, spouses and friends that will attempt, with varying degrees of success, to hold them accountable. Losses of jobs and relationships are the most common symptoms of an aversion to accountability. We hope while they are with us, we can limit their losses as they pursue a life on their own.
Principles and Steps Toward Success
1. Getting Their Attention
Whenever a change is needed, the first step is to get the attention of the child and present to them a boundary to their default escape from accountability. This step is often ugly and is often filled with conflict. While the prevailing advice for setting boundaries is to disengage, we can’t do this at The Ranches. While I understand this advice, we simply don’t have that option. If we emotionally disengage, kids feel a sense of abandonment that hurts and often re traumatized them. And if we disengage, they are left unsupervised. As a result, we have to work to stay engaged.
2. Ignore the Deflections
Though it isn’t easy, we have to, as authority figures, ignore all of the deflections that attempt to distract or shift blame. “We’ll deal with that in time” or “Their behavior isn’t the issue that we are dealing with” can help to move past distracting deflections. It takes practice, but it is possible to get to the point where deflections are minimized because they become ineffective with you.
3. Address and Respond to Every Negative Behavior
While it can often seem like nagging or “nitpicking,” we must address all negative behaviors in the time that a kid is with us. If we give up or give in, we give them permission to give up or to continue their negative behaviors. This is exhausting and often leads to “burn out” or adults leaving the organization. Despite this, addressing and responding to every negative behavior is a necessary component to what we do.
4. Get Back to Good After Every Conflict
In striving to get kids attention and address every negative behavior, conflict always ensues. While many view conflict as always “bad,” conflict is a part of relationships and a part of life. Relationships end when there is no path for those in conflict to “get back to good.” To make matters worse, I sincerely believe that this is always the responsibility of the adult and the most important part of being an authority figure. Sometimes, it’s as easy as just starting a normal conversation without residual emotion. Other times, it comes down to a peace offering like a compliment or bringing a snack to a child after the conflict has subsided.
5. Follow Up Conversation
In many cases, escalated emotions cause a “fight, flight or freeze” response in kids. Caring adults, parents and authority figures who are effective with kids know that unresolved conflict leads to unresolved emotions; usually in the next round of conflict. A follow up conversation that is calm, emotionally tranquil and explanatory in nature can often help to resolve both the conflict and the emotions that accompany conflict.
6. Active Listening
The hardest thing to do in conflict is to listen to what a child or other person has to say and how they view your actions. We have to do it anyway. Listening places a higher value on the relationship than on being right.
7. Tell Me More
When in conflict with a child, asking the child to tell you more often shifts the conflict away from escalation and towards understanding. We still have the opportunity for accountability, but we can take a break to listen and understand where they are coming from.
8. Back to Normal
Typically, the last step in resolving conflict associated with accountability is getting back to normal. Feelings have been hurt, disrespect has reared its’ head and emotions have run high. Getting back to normal is a choice and usually requires a deliberate effort. “Can you help me take out the trash?” or “Can you help me at the grocery store?” are opportunities to get back to normal. We have to keep in mind that kids are looking for every hint or indication that it isn’t back to normal and in many cases they may even try to derail our attempts. We’ve got to act as normally as possible and ignore their attempts to rekindle the conflict. We have to get back to normal despite their reluctance and our own. We just have to do it anyway.
The Struggle With Accountability
Truthfully, getting someone to change their behaviors and to abandon their default strategies for avoiding accountability are among the hardest things to do. At The Ranches, this is the first step in Rekindling Hope. From the most difficult child to the most successful adult, we all have room to grow and that growth requires us to engage in the most difficult of endeavors; changing behavior. Adults that are unwilling to change their behavior tend to produce kids who do the same. This leads to a dysfunctional cycle of conflict and relationship failure.
The struggle with accountability is a significant problem in our world. Many have chosen to just avoid people who are hurting and struggling. “It’s not MY problem” is the mantra of those who see the problem but don’t want to address the actual problem that creates the risk in “at risk” youth. While we don’t always relish the criticism, I understand the tendency sympathize with those in need of help. Help is messy. It is difficult. We don’t always get it right, but we remain dedicated to helping. Accountability is the first step in helping and the first step in rekindling hope.
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