When kids come to The Ranches, they are all struggling with the difficult issues that come from being an adolescent. In addition, most of our residents are also struggling with at least one significant issue that isn’t a normal part of adolescence. For some, this is an issue that they participated in creating such as school attendance and performance issues or willful disregard for rules and boundaries. For others, they face issues that were forced upon them and are difficult to process like abandonment, abuse, or the death of a parent. Our job is to deal with their issues and to guide them to a future that they can be proud of. Many people tell us that kids just need structure and rules, but if we fall back on the “rules are rules and must be followed” mantra, we are just repeating what someone else has failed at accomplishing. This leads us to have to be creative when addressing behaviors in young people.
One area that causes us significant concern with kids is when they are struggling with adolescence and decide that they are dedicated to dating someone who is struggling with the same issues. We don’t allow dating at The Ranches, but sometime we must deal with kids that choose to be in a relationship despite our rule. Usually, both happen to be struggling with loneliness, lack of meaningful affiliation and painfully low self-esteem. As such, they view each other as the solution to their primary struggle. While we all agree that they are wrong in this view and that it is simplistic and naïve to think that a dating relationship can solve their relationship, affiliation and loneliness issues, this is where we are find ourselves from time to time. When we do, we have found that discharge, discipline and punishment are not viewed as corrective action, but as undeniable proof of their willingness to endure whatever we throw at them as a sign of how much they “love” each other. Who loves, is committed to, accepts and encourages them for no other reason than they choose to? These are complicated questions for residents who, at this point in their life, feel that another person who is in a similar situation is the only one who has ever chosen them above other options. Romeo and Juliet is a lengthy example of this thought process. Often we are, quite by accident, reinforcing their misguided view of the situation. This is compounded by the idea that giving up the relationship with each other will then leave them alone, unaffiliated and feeling more awful about themselves. They will also, if they give up on the relationship, be guilty of doing to the other what so many have already done; abandoning another person.
Even though we understand how this problem is formed, we must begin by putting together a strategy to deal with the situation. We have found that many times, in these young lives, they have they never been in a situation where they have to sit face to face and talk about things other than how much they “love” each other, how adults are “stupid”, how no one understands them and how they will “always” be there for each other. My guess is that their relationship is partially fueled by their resistance to our opposition of their relationship. This, coupled with both believing that the other is the best they will ever do and their only shot at not being entirely alone in life, makes our attempts to control them an inspiration instead of a deterrent. So, what do we do?
We must treat the underlying loneliness and self-esteem issues. We must convince both residents that they have value and that they are worth more than the pile of garbage that they believe themselves to be. The only way to do this is to build relationships with them that allow for them to see themselves differently.
While there are times that it is appropriate to end our relationship with a child due to their unwillingness to follow the rules, we think that it should be reserved for the most egregious of errors. Discharging a resident from The Ranches is usually the option that we pursue when a child violates the rights and safety of others with no remorse or regard for those that have been hurt by their actions. In short, unplanned discharges from The Ranches are typically a symptom of our program failing and a sign that we were, as an organization, ineffective. I do not enjoy failing or being ineffective and I have been tasked with insuring that we minimize our failures and eliminate our ineffectiveness whenever possible.
As an organization, I strive to look at the kids through the lens of Christ. While I’ve read the entire Bible, I am still perplexed by these situations. I have come to the conclusion that the Old Testament shows us that we, as sinners, cannot handle judgement. The New Testament, however, shows us that we all deserve forgiveness, grace, love and a personal relationship with God. This guides my principles. While we may need to discharge residents who choose to date each other at some point, I struggle when we are dealing with dating issues and I haven’t reached the point that I believe that we have completed God’s work in their lives just yet. I often ask myself what it would take for God to abandon me. While I have not tried everything, I haven’t found anything yet. In most cases, when I am struggling, the answer to my struggle comes down to me humbling myself, working harder and relying on relationships to change my view of the world. While it is convenient to ask God to change my situation, usually he reminds me that I have the skills and tools necessary to change my own situation. I just have to trust myself, trust those around me and work hard to connect the dots and find a solution. We work to teach the residents this same philosophy.
When dealing with the kids at The Ranches, we often time have to convince them that they cannot cheat their own process by “loving” each other and that there are far better things in store for them than they ever imagined if they will trust themselves, trust us and work hard to stay at The Ranches. My hope is that each of you will join me in achieving this goal. We couldn’t do what we do without the generous support you provide.
